Feeding Frenzy

College students aren’t known for being foodies. If anything, it’s the opposite—we’re characterized as slobs who live on Ramen, Mountain Dew, and the leftover pizza under the futon.

Meal-wise, pretty much everyone on campus worships at the shrine of Chartwells, where we can sacrifice our Blue Jay Bucks for a fruitful harvest of chicken fingers and Doritos. And lately, our faith has been rewarded by a slew of new treats.

The addition of Olive’s in the Roost opens up the options of Paninis, flatbreads and salads. The revised Roost pretends to offer more healthy options, but you can now get the Kindergarten special—a grilled peanut butter and jelly. Or if you’re craving even more sugar, opt for Nutella. Add a chocolate milk and a note from mom, and you can relive your glory days of bullying (or being bullied) on the playground.

The new menu screens are the most perplexing part of Olive’s. Meals are broadcast on state-of-the art flatscreen TVs, because we don’t spend enough of our time staring at digital images as it is. Just when you’re zeroing in on what to order, the images change to reveal an entire new selection.

Having plenty of choices is great, but when a steady parade of Panini options are sliding by, it’s hard to focus your hungers in one direction. Many a student has withered away after standing frozen for too long, unable to decipher which flatbread was the best choice.
And this isn’t the only place flatscreens broadcast our cafeteria options. Upstairs, even more screens taunt us will photographs of food much more appetizing than what’s being served.

If Chartwells really wanted to take full advantage of technology, they’d harness the power of Wonkavision to send candy bars through the screens. In fact, the cafeteria should probably take a lot more cues from Willy Wonka. Oompa Loompas make for cheap labor. And just imagine a magical garden where hills are made of cafeteria meatloaf and the river flows with thick brown gravy. If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it!

If Chartwells can’t afford the rights to Wonkavision, they should at least broadcast food in 3D. And if they’re feeling really generous, they could hold occasional Vin Diesel movie days. Nothing prompts hunger like adrenaline.
Still, there are perks to this technology leap. Namely, it lets us pretend we’re living in the future, where Elmhurst’s top three majors are Interplanetary Colonization, Mind Control and Lasers. Of course, then our cafeteria meals will consist of hearty nutrient pills.

All complaining aside, it’s nice to see Chartwells is trying. If they keep striving forward, they’ll get closer and closer to the perfect food. One day, we’ll come in, and it will be ready—the culinary pinnacle of college cafeterias, the softly glowing golden nectar of the dining hall gods. One bite, and we’ll have all of life’s questions answered. We’ll all immediately receive our degrees and head out into the world to spread messages of peace, goodwill and food appreciation.

In the meantime, who’s up for Chipotle?