Bluenet: Belle of the Ball

All semester long, Bluenet waits like a homely girl at a junior high sock hop. It nurses its cup of Hawaiian Punch and frowns at its cousin Blackboard, who everyone courts all year long. Bluenet thinks Blackboard is a total slut, giving away all of those Powerpoint presentations for free.

But now, with class registration looming in the near future, everyone’s asking Bluenet to dance.

The next week brings nothing but panic. Late at night, students huddle over glowing computer screens and hyperventilate when they realize they will never graduate. They crowd Goebel hall and confusedly bump into each other, because they’ve never had a reason to enter Goebel until now. And all because it’s time to pick classes.

The main panic centers on the fact that if you sign up for the wrong class, you will fail horribly and get expelled from Elmhurst. So to make sure you don’t disappoint your parents, lose all your friend and throw your life away, you better be prepared.

This time of year brings out two species of students: the last-minute sloth and the aggressive over-planner. The sloth saunters to their advisor’s office the day before their registration date, then asks in a slow voice what their major is again. The over-planner mapped out every second of college during first semester freshman year, but still indulges in a panic attack once in awhile. Either way, the advisor loses.

Following are the three methods that guarantee you’ll enroll in some class, even if they have nothing to do with your major.

Rate-my-Professor method:

This method revolves around ratemyprofessor.com, which grades on professors using a complex system of smiley or frown-y faces. This kindergarten scale comes in handy since most people using this site are opting for the easiest class. Assigns a lot of homework? How dare she. Tough end-of semester test? No thank you. Might as well find the most effortless courses and use your excess energy for flirting in Founders.

Sleeping Beauty method:

This style of taking classes involves signing up for the latest classes possible. Ideally, no class will begin before 1 p.m. Extra points are rewarded if Fridays can also be kept class-free. This plan works best for late night partiers, insomniacs, and nocturnal animals.

Follow the Flock method:

Nobody wants to be the loser crying softly at the back of the classroom. This method completely solves that problem— you just sign up for every class your friends are taking. Leave your interests and passions behind. Popularity is more important anyway. You can always change your major to Conformity.

So get ready to woo Bluenet as best as you can. It’s your once-a-semester date, and Bluenet’s sole time to shine. So on that registration day, play some soft music, lay a single rose against your keyboard, and get ready for the exhausted site to crash from emotional exhaustion. Then you can run to your advisor and cry some more.